scot brewer

aussies can be pirates, too

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Arrrrgh...the Ultimate Pirate
photo by kevin cooper


Pirate's Guides

These fanzines were made by my friend Scot from Australia. There are more but he is always travelling so I only have the Vancouver one right now. Word on the street is that there is a Pirate's Guide to crossing the US border in the works and also a Guide to New York. Arrrrrr!!!

A Pirate's Guide To Vancouver


A Pirate's Guide To Vancouver

or

How To Become A Pirate In Ten Easy Steps

By

Blackie Heath & Captain Bruiser Mckenzie

This book is meant to be a guide enabling you to become a pirate in this beautiful city

By following the easy steps located within you will find yourself that mecca of cooldom...

A PiRATE aaaaaaargh.


STEP ONE.

Find a ship

This can be your car, best because then you are the captain. If you are without a car a public bus is possible, if you be a real pirate you will commandeer the public bus. If you live near Tsawassen may we suggest the ferry?


STEP TWO.

Find a crew

Here is where the bus comes in handy. It contains a readymade crew...and helmsman! Of course your friends may do which can be good as they are more likely to follow you on step three...


STEP THREE.

Meet regularly

Preferably somewhere piratey or nautical. May we suggest the fish tank in Chapters on the corner of Granville and Broadway? Or perhaps Benny's Cafe with lots of wood and ships and chandeliers? Once there partake in step four...


STEP FOUR.

Drink rum...

BY THE BARREL!!!


STEP FiVE.

Smoke Tobacco

Preferably from a pipe. However "Death" cigarettes can be allowed if they are successfully smuggled across the border in your ship. Death cigarettes are the ones with the skull and crossbones on them (the packet AND each cigarette!)


STEP SiX.

Get a parrot

Or something that can sit on your shoulder and make noise. I worked with a chef once who had a Siamese cat that did this, it was called Costa. The chef also wore a bandana. A true pirate.

Take note!


STEP SEVEN.

Look the part

Re-assess your wardrobe, if you don't already have, next time you shop, buy:

Striped Shirts -- Gold Hooped Earring

Bandanas -- Pirate Hat -- Eye Patch

Jewels -- Lots of Keys -- a Hook

(for instead of your hand silly!)


STEP EiGHT.

Sound the part

Change your vocabulary. Here are some examples:

Hey = Rrrrr!

Money = Bullion

Shall we leave, dude? = We sail now matey?

Beautiful girl = Siren

Oh, and combine them;

Hey, shall we leave now, beautiful girl? = Rrrr, we sail now, siren?


STEP NiNE.

Find these things

A cannon (isn't there one in Stanley Park?) A sextant (who needs a map book to get around?) Muskets (in case yee be challenged to a duel, matey!) A hammock (to sleep off the rum.) A treasure map (where X marks the spot.) Shantys (to sing with yee fellow drunken shipmates.)


STEP TEN.

Be on your way

You are ready. Take the streets in song. Be obediant pirates for remember, if yee do anything wrong, yee be made to walk the plank!

YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!


A Knock Yr. Socks off Publication c.1999

socks_off@hotmail.com

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